


Just hold on (and let go)

by Greta275



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angelic Afterlife, Big Brother Gabriel, Cas and Gabriel have a past, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, M/M, Post-Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, The Author Regrets Nothing, Unhappy Ending, but also happy ending, but it's an angsty fix-it, it depends on the perspective you use to read it, this was meant to be fluff and it really escalated, why does everything i write always turn into angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 09:52:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11159451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greta275/pseuds/Greta275
Summary: SPOILER 12X23Castiel was dead. This should mean that it's over, and instead it's just began. Now he finds himself having to make a choice: what would he rather have? Peace or family? It seems an easy choice, but sometimes the lines of what family is are fine, certain bonds are not as broken as it seemed and old ghosts return to claim their place in his heart.





	Just hold on (and let go)

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Just hold on (and let go)](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/298320) by GretaCrazyWriter. 



> This is a translation of a fic I've just wrotten in Italian. I decided to translate because I wanted to share it with the wider fandom. Also, I had time to waste and was bored. I translated it by myself, so any and all errors are mine.

 

Castiel felt nothing. He was suspended in an eternal, immobile, immaterial void, in something that transcended even his True Form. Simply, he did not exist. And in this fact there was something... not good, exactly, but peaceful. The assurance that it was finally over. He was dead. No more pain and guilt, no uncertainty and fear. Only this utter and complete absence.

  Then, suddenly, after what seemed like an eternity, senses returned to his body (he _did_ have a body, after all), the feeling of clothes and solid surfaces against his skin almost overwhelming him. He was lying on a soft but rough surface. Slowly, almost with difficulty, thoughts and words and images invaded his mind, and Castiel _was_ again.

  And he immediately felt the boot that was being shoved against his right side.

  "Come on." said a bored, vaguely irritated voice. "Just because Jesus took a three-days nap, it doesn’t mean you can do it, too."

  Castiel opened his eyes. The sun was shining brightly, and the person looming over him was lit from the back, making him – it was a him – appear like he was surrounded by a halo, like a painted Renaissance representation of the divine. But Castiel could still see him perfectly. Blond hair, golden eyes, mischievous grin, the unmistakable light of his Grace...

  "Gabriel...?" His voice came out as an almost whisper, halfway between a question and a statement. Looking at his brother, he felt stunned. He remembered having felt this same way years ago, when he had realized that what he was seeing was just an illusion of Metatron and not a brother who didn’t hate him, who would help him. "How... you’re alive?"

  Gabriel's smile became sympathetic as he shook his head. "No." he said simply, leaving Castiel to draw his own conclusions.

  He scrambled to his feet, his eyes wide as the memories of what had happened hit him like a train. Kelly, the nephilim, the tear in space and the alternate world, Lucifer, Crowley dead, Lucifer stabbing him... Dean and Sam alone against the Devil himself. He was overwhelmed by fear.

  Before his mind could present him with the most horrible scenarios imaginable, Gabriel intervened. "They aren’t dead." He didn’t seem to be particularly interested in the Winchesters’ wellbeing, but his tone was reassuring. "They managed to lock Lucifer away. Well, Mary’s been locked away with him, but Dean and Sam are fine."

  Castiel inhaled sharply. The air was cool, it smelled of humidity and bushes. He realized for the first time that he was standing in the exact point where he’d died. Ironic, really. As if he needed a reminder of the fact that he had abandoned his family. "I have to get back to them. I have to...."

   "Yes, right. There is still the miracle child to deal with. Well, I should probably say 'miracle _teenager_.'

   Castiel continued to look around anxiously, not quite registering what the other had said, as if trying to see what was happening on that same beach in the world of the living. "I have to go back." he repeated. "I can’t leave them like this. They need me."

   Gabriel sighed. "Whatever." He put his hands in the pockets of his jacket and nodded his head toward the driveway that crossed the wood near the house. "Follow me."

  Without waiting to see if he would follow him, he started walking along the beach. Castiel could only follow. He felt the very human impulse to bite his lower lip from sheer frustration. Gabriel had to _understand_. He couldn’t stay there walking along a beach while Dean and Sam were alone and possibly in danger. He tried, however, to set aside those thoughts as much as possible. Maybe Gabriel had a reason to do what he was doing. Maybe he wasn’t just trying to waste time.

  He was surprised to discover that his mind wasn’t only concerned with the Winchesters’ wellbeing at the moment. Despite everything, he was curious. "How comes you know so much about what’s happening on the other side?"

  "Perks of being an Archangel." Gabriel turned to him with a cheeky smile, beginning to walk backwards. "This...." He made a wide gesture to indicate the surrounding landscape and the world beyond. "...is simply a different layer of reality. We are still on Earth, but on a more transcendental level. It wasn’t difficult to figure out how to see through this reality." He shrugged. "It's pretty boring around here. I had to find a way to spend time."

  Castiel swallowed against the lump of anxiety that had suddenly formed in his throat. What his brother was implying... He had seen everything that had happened, what Castiel had done. So why didn’t he hate him? Why was he idly walking at his side, even seeming to want to help him? He didn’t make the slightest sense. He tried to avoid the subject with another question. "So are there other angels here? You saw them?"

  Gabriel kept his smile, but his expression seemed almost wistful. "Not everyone, no. Tell you the truth, I prefer to avoid them,.” he admitted. After a moment, the mischievous light came back in his eyes. "But every now and then I see Balthazar. I have to admit, I missed him.” He laughed, but soon his expression became more sober. It was almost dizzying, the ease with which he passed from one expression to another. "For what it’s worth, he’s forgiven you."

  Castiel bowed his head, flooded with remorse. Balthazar had been one of the people closest to him, one of the few who had always helped and supported him. And he had thanked him by killing him. It was one of those things – and there were so many things – he would never forgive himself for. Never.

  "Okay." The tone was abrupt, and Castiel came suddently back to reality, almost bumping into Gabriel. "Stop it."

  "Stop what?" Castiel asked, puzzled.

  His brother snorted, seeming impatient. "Stop blaming yourself for every bad thing that happens around you.” he said.

  Castiel took a step back, feeling as if someone had hit him in the face. "A lot of things are my fault.” he said, hearing his voice crack. "I've destroyed so many things..."

  Gabriel shook his head, raising his hands in a gesture of impatience. "Do you want me to tell you that it's all your fault? That you’re not innocent? Because you're not, I'm perfectly aware of that.” His tone became gentle, as if he was trying to approach a wild animal. "You're not innocent. But you’re not even responsible for everything that’s happened since you came to Earth. Don’t you think you've punished yourself enough? Don’t you think you deserve to live, to live _in peace_?”

  Castiel felt his eyes sting, and he avoided the other's gaze. Really, that was not a discussion he wanted to have. "Gabriel..." He didn’t know what he wanted to say. He didn’t know what to do. He had spent so much time hating himself, trying to redeem himself, believing himself to be expendable... Those feelings hadn’t magically disappear, but here was a person who was absolving him, who was saying that his continued search for his own redemption had finally come to an end and he no longer needed to self-destruct. The first brother in a long time who, though Castiel doubted he would say that out loud, loved him. Unconditionally.

  He bent his head again, incapable of holding the other’s gaze, nodding without knowing exactly what he was accepting. But it seemed enough for Gabriel, who, turning his back to Castiel, began to walk again. " _Good_." he said with emphasis. "I'm glad you understand. I’m not the biggest fan of talking about _feelings_ , you know.”

  Castiel found himself smiling, quickening his pace to be right next to Gabriel. They were in the middle of the group of trees now, though it didn’t seem to be so wide in reality. "Then why did you do it?"

  The archangel gave him a sly smirk. "Someone had to put some common sense in that head of yours. Talking about common sense." He bumped him friendly with his shoulder. "What about Dean?" He said the name so suggestively it actually sounded ridiculous.

  Mentioning Dean made him feel like his heart was being squeezed. He had almost – _almost_ – forgotten the situation in which he’d left him. "He needs me. They both need me."

  Gabriel gave him an exasperated look. "I already told you, they’re both fine, you have to chill. And anyway you know that wasn’t what I meant." He waggled his eyebrows at him. "So?"

  "Shouldn’t you know everything happening on Earth?"

  "I'm flattered, but do I look like Dad? I'm not omniscient, I certainly have better things to look at than your tragic life story, and I'm not about to spy on my brothers having sex."

  "We don’t... we never..." spluttered Castiel. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down while Gabriel was too busy laughing. Without thinking too much about it, he said: "I told him that I love him."

  At that, the other seemed to choke on his own laughter. He gave a small cough. "Okay, I didn’t expect that. I've always thought you two were too emotionally constipated for... that sort of things."

  "Nothing happened. After that, I mean. "

  "Are you kidding me?"

  Castiel sighed. "Could we avoid talking about my love life?"

  "What love life?"

  "Has anybody ever told you how absolutely not funny you are?"

  "Aw, you wound me, Cassie."

  Castiel shook his head, halfway between amused and exasperated. When he brought his eyes back on the path they were walking through, he realized they had crossed almost all the wood. There was a sort of clearing, with a few trees scattered all around, green and lush grass, and, in the middle of all that, something terribly familiar. It seemed like a lightning suspended in the exact moment before hitting the ground, and it vibrated with a sort of supernatural energy. A tear in space and time... The only difference was that this one shone with a pure white light, similar to an angelic Grace but at the same time simply _more_.

  They stood at the edge of the clearing. Fear and curiosity were present in equal measure within him. "What is it?"

  "It's your one-way-only ticket to the world of the living.” Gabriel said. "If you want it."

  "I... So there is a way to get out of here? Why did none ever get out?"

  "No. There is no way. This.... " Gabriel raised a hand to indicate the tear. "...it appeared exactly when you arrived here. It's obviously Dad's work, and it's yours."

  Castiel couldn’t help but notice the bitterness that covered his brother's voice. "Did you not try to get out?"

  "I would try, but...." A sigh, a bitter smile. "I can’t even get close to it. It’s as if it’s rejecting me. It doesn’t want me around. It’s only for you."

  "Oh." Castiel tried to image how it would feel, to be so close to salvation but to see it being offered to someone else, when it was your own Father doing it. He wanted to say something, but an _I’m sorry_ didn’t seem enough to heal the wound that had been opened in Gabriel so many years ago, that would never be healed. With all the will of the world, he would never be able to bring back to life something that had already died.

  Instead, he stretched toward his brother and hugged him, trying to communicate in this way everything that couldn’t be expressed with words. When Gabriel returned the hug, what had begun as an attempt at comforting each other soon became an almost desperate gesture. Castiel closed his eyes, tightening even more his grip on Gabriel, who also did the same, and in that moment he didn’t feel so different from any other little brother on Earth in search of someone who would guide and understand him and love him. But that someone wouldn’t be Gabriel. He had accepted it so many years before, when the war broke out and the archangel left Heaven, but somehow this seemed even more definitive, even more painful, because the last time he hadn’t been aware enough to understand what was happening, but now he was and it _hurt_.

  "I don’t want to leave you." His voice came out almost choked, and he felt a tear slid across his cheek. "You’re my brother. I can’t..." He stopped himself short, unable to go any further.

  Gabriel was the first to let go, keeping one hand on the other's shoulder. His voice was gentle, and in his eyes Castiel saw for the first time since he woke up in this strange place how old he was, older than time itself, how tired he was and how strongly his heart continued to beat despite everything. "It's your choice, little brother. Never feel guilty for choosing yourself."

  Castiel took a step back, and his brother let his arm fall by his side. "Thank you.” he managed to say. "I won’t forget it." He didn’t know if he would succeed in keeping that promise once crossed the portal. He didn’t even know why this time was different from the other times he’d died, why he had been allowed to see Gabriel, to talk to him and to give him a proper goodbye. Maybe his Father was trying to teach him a lesson. Maybe he was trying to help him through Gabriel. Or maybe he was just a sadist. All these options seemed equally possible.

  He turned and walked toward the tear. Now his mind was again invaded by thoughts of Dean, of Sam, Mary and even Crowley. But even so, when his hand was about two seconds away from touching the arc of light, he stopped. He allowed himself for a moment to look back at his brother, who was still watching him with a strange smile on his lips. It was a wistful smile, yes, but it was also a smile that was almost... proud. The smile of a big brother, the kind of smile that didn’t need words to tell what he was feeling.

  He was the same brother who, hundreds of millions of years ago, had brought him on a desolate beach, primitive but not that much dissimilar from the one they were standing on now. _Don’t step on that fish, Castiel_. He had told him. _Big plans for that fish_.

  The same brother who had raised him, who brought him with him to explore the Creations of their Father, who had been the only archangel – as well as one of the few angels – to be unexpectedly kind to him, even willing to spend time with him. Now he’d changed, that brother. They had both changed, with the weight of the war on their shoulders. But, in a way, below the surface, under the armor Gabriel had created for himself and the humanity Castiel was trying to reach, they were still the same. This was something the war wouldn’t be able to wipe away.

  Castiel took a deep breath and spoke with all the certainty and honesty he was capable of. "I love you."

  He didn’t wait to see Gabriel's reaction. He touched the tear between dimensions, and the world around him – the woods, the beach, _Gabriel_... it all disappeared.

 

***

 

Castiel opened his eyes with a gasp and a shudder that passed through his whole body. He was again lying on the beach in front of the lake house, but this time he was looking at a sky that was coloring itself with shades of pink and blue, the sun beginning to raise through the horizon. It was dawn.

  " _Cas_?" The voice made him come back to reality with sudden abruptness. He jerked up, sitting down on the beach. He was by his side, kneeling in the dirty sand, his eyes reddened, his face bearing the tracks of shed tears. _Dean_. "Cas!"

  He felt himself being wrapped in a hug. He heard Sam from a distance, calling his name and approaching quickly, but in that one instant all he could see was Dean. He returned his hug with everything he had, burying his face in the other's shoulder. He smelled of leather, earth and salt.

  There soon would be so many things to do. There was Jack to deal with, and Mary locked in another dimension with the Devil himself, and who knows what other problems would come next. But for now it was okay.

  Castiel closed his eyes, exhausted, feeling the tears finally fall from his eyes. He was home.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, first of all, in my head Gabriel is back soon after Cas, and the four of them have live happily ever after forever, Jack the nephilim has gone to live in the Andromeda galaxy and no Apocalypse will ever come again to destroy their happiness.  
> Moving to more serious things, I wrote this for the Italian contest “ByeBoys&Girls Hellatus".  
> I have to admit that starting this fanfic was a little complicated, but once I started I couldn’t stop and I ended up producing more angst than I initially expected to. My initial idea was simply to give Castiel some love and support, and it just escalated into this.  
> If you stopped for a moment to leave a review I would be eternally grateful, but anyway I hope you enjoyed this story. It's not the first I write for this fandom but it's the first I translate and put on Ao3.  
> The original can be found here: http://www.efpfanfic.net/viewstory.php?sid=3674288


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